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Hump Busters II


Remember the good ol’ days when I only had a hump in my kitchen? Well, the hump has gotten out of control and is less like a hump and more likeVigo the Carpathian bubbling up from underground. Can things please stop showing up in my kitchen during the middle of the night? Raccoons, ants, gravity-defying Vigo Mystery Humps… yes, I’m talking to you.

painting of Vigo the Carpathian

I'm here for the leftover tuna casserole

Here’s a refresher course in the appearance of the hump, which has now tunneled its way upward like a Jurassic Period Gopher, destroying everything in its sight: Hump Relived. My kitchen looks like it’s got ol’Vigo’s pink slime churning through underneath, heaving forth mass destruction, shattering tiles, masterminding tectonic shifts, stealing babies. Unfortunately, even the Ghostbusters are powerless to help me as this is apparently not covered by my insurance.

Car falling into street

It's no big deal. You can barely notice it.

You would think that meant I knew what was causing the hump. I do not. We were sent a plumber who confirmed that there were no water leaks, though he said nothing about ectoplasmic slime encompassing the soul of a 17th century tyrant. Clearly, the insurance company guessed that was the logical next step and fearing the stolen essence of their children went deep into hiding.

slime coming out of tub

Plumber: "Nope, I don't see nothin' out of the ordinary here..."

Weeks passed. Tiles splintered and shattered. Chunky Pug ate grout. Finally, I forced Husband to launch a full-scale email assault. Without having any idea what was even causing the hump, our insurance kindly asked us to perform certain acts to ourselves which are illegal in all but the southernmost states. I am utterly perplexed as to: 1.) How they can deny my claim before it has officially been established what I’m claiming. 2.) How mystery hump extraction is not part of my insurance coverage. What the hell DOES my insurance cover?

wizard of oz

We represent the lollipop guild. And also your home owners insurance.

Looks like Husband and I are manning the clown car now that the insurance company got the hell out of Dodge. Next, we are calling an engineer and luring this person to our house under the ruse that we believe to have discovered a pot o’ gold under a load-bearing beam. Ironically, it is going to cost us many a pot o’ gold to fix this. I briefly considered setting traps for leprechauns but something tells me I would only catch raccoons.


Baby hump.

tile crack

Resonating evil.

cracked tile

About to swallow a patrol car.

  1. My grandfather used to call insurance companies the ‘legalized mafia.’ It is amazing how they are willing to take your money and then not pay back out for the very things they are supposed to be protecting you from.

  2. Looks like a job for Mike Holmes!

  3. I am concerned that you might have a Tremors-style situation on your hands here. I’m going to suggest you arm yourselves with shotguns and shovels, just in case.

  4. Charlotte permalink


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